Scattered thoughts..

I haven’t written in forever!

Today’s post is just going to be some random scattered thoughts I felt like sharing. There is no order to them and they’re just little reflections I’ve had lingering around for a while now..

  1. Does anybody else ever feel genuinely lost?

Not physically lost like “my mom lost me in the supermarket” type of situation but kind of like a bit of a struggle to fit into a certain situation, group, conversation or moment? I cannot be the only one, lately, I’ve been feeling a bit out place and I don’t quite comprehend why.

2. Do you ever feel guilty for a way somebody is acting towards you or simply the way things are going with loved ones, although you truly had no say in the situation?

Sometimes I beat myself down because of how somebody is treating me. I constantly try to blame myself for everything to get some type of “closure” and jump to conclusions too quickly. I convinced myself slowly to not worry about certain situations due to the fact that although we have these great plans; God knows why he does certain things and why he takes things away from us. A great analogy is that one of holding on to a rope for too long might hurt a bit more than letting go. Maybe, it’s time to stop holding on and it’s time to let go & let God.

Image result for holding on hurts worse than letting go

3. Sometimes it’s okay to let it out?

I keep way too much in and end up hurting myself even more, due to the fact that I am bottling up and at some time I let it all out but there is just way too much to say and this huge inconsistency in my emotions due to the fact that I have no idea where to start.

In situations like this; I’ve learned to talk to God, I try to just let it all out (tears or no tears) because it relieves a little bit of heavy unnecessary weight from my shoulders.

4. Last but not least: I feel like I have been far from God lately.

I’m not doubting his love or faithfulness towards me but vice-versa. I am trying to do everything as in line and as fair as I can but sometimes I fall out of place (nobody is perfect!). I sometimes fall far from some of ideals because I’m lacking my one on one time with God. I try to get everything into place here but, often forget that he is here for me at ALL times and not only through the struggles.

 

 

SEE YOU AT THE POLE- September 28th,2016

SEE YOU AT THE POLE-
See You at the Pole (SYATP) is an annual gathering of thousands of Christian students at a flagpole in front of their local schools for prayer, scripture-reading and worship, during the early morning before school starts. See You at the Pole, the global day of student prayer, began in 1990 as a grass roots movement with ten students praying at their school. Twenty years later, millions pray on their campuses on the fourth Wednesday in September.

Got this to happen today and I’m no ashamed of it, early in the morning there were about 7 students that joined me in a national prayer (SYATP) I’m not ashamed!!! First drill was very last minute, while praying I’d hear kids making fun of us but we continued on with our roll. Reunited some new people to re do it at lunch in order for others to participate, I reached out to some classmates I knew loved Christ and got shot down (but that’s ok)!!!!! Two AWESOME FACULTY MEMBERS not only came to watch but actually prayed with us!!!! From 20 people I invited about 9 showed up but I saw faces that I didn’t invite (my awesome classmates did!!!!) today was a good day! Profess your rights and share your love! #syatp #notashamed #TRUELOVE

Senior crown!

Now….. HERE IS MY COMPLETED CROWN !!! Now I feel like this crown represents me! Around are some of my absolute FAVORITE bible verses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s what they say:
Romans 5:8-But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Hebrews 6:19-We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,
Psalm 31:10-Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
Proverbs 31:25-She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come.
Proverbs 31:30-Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Isaiah 62:3-You shall also be [so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as] a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem [exceedingly beautiful] in the hand of your God.
Micah 6:8-The Lord has told you, human, what is good;

    he has told you what he wants from you:

to do what is right to other people,

    love being kind to others,

    and live humbly, obeying your God.
1 Corinthians 16 : 13-14- Be alert. Continue strong in the faith. Have courage, and be strong. 14 Do everything in love.

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Oceans 

I didn’t know jesus, I was not really exposed to him or anything about him because my family isn’t “religious” and I didn’t have the heart or intuition to learn more..
I lived in Mexico🌊🌴 my whole life with my mom and grandmother,since my parents were divorced.. my godmother who is from there, exposed me to the Catholic religion✝, I did my first communion 👰🏽because I had to- not because I wanted to. there’s a HUGE difference between doing something because they make you and doing it because you want to,when you do something because they make you you do it without any care or any type of love to,but when you do because you want it it’s a total different story.

I was going to a lot as a as a new teenager and I went through a lot as a middle schooler from suicide attempts🎗, to self harm, my dad not being there, my mom taking away from herself to give to me, to emotional😓 and physical abuse🤕, to feeling unworthy😰, to bulimia, to bully’s, amongst other things. I was being raised by my grandmother👵🏽 mostly since my mom was working her ass off to give me the best life she possibly could, it was hard because I didn’t get the full “ordinary family stereotype” type of life of a father or siblings around you, you know? so when I was being bullied,I first looked into God because I didn’t have another choice but I didn’t I didn’t feel like he was there. when I move back to the United States at the end of seventh grade my aunt started telling about Jesus. I was just learning about him you know, I was still going through so much and on top of that now I had to accustom to my country that I didn’t have the chance to grow up in, so I was like I don’t want to go to church with you tried to stop trying to make me, I don’t like it, I don’t want to know that he’s not gonna do anything for me,what would a dead guy in a book do for me? little by little, I was being exposed to Jesus I started praying to him 🙏🏽and things started getting not better but I felt like I was accompanied and during really dark times of my life. I would listen to the song oceans by Hillsong my aunt show me Hillsong in the end of seventh grade and I started to fall in love with them😘. This is going to sound so cheesy but, Oceans🌊 has been pretty much like a savior song for me because when I’m at my lowest points, I know I can rely on God 120%! Its just very important to me so seeing @tayasmith sing oceans in person just tore my heart two nights ago and I cried like no tomorrow,people were staring at me, I sang so loud people around me were probably so mad at me but I can give three craps..😋✨

Senior year ????




Little story
Today I went to take senior pictures and I wore my waterpolo suit because I’m proud of myself for having played for two years even though I wasn’t the best.. It was something new to me and I tried my absolute best next to people who are swimmers and simply have played the game before.. So I had to wait my turn to get my pics done and I was waiting in my outfit and people were staring at me in such a nasty way.. Some even asked me what I played and when I told them they were like “haha oh..” I felt like I wasn’t worthy for a second.. I know I don’t have the hottest bod and I definitely was one of the crappiest on the team but you know what I don’t care what anyone says… I’m so proud that I at least made it in the team (twice) and got to play and have fun even if I wasn’t the best… I did my part for the team and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. So.. Don’t judge somebody by their looks.. You don’t know me, you have no right to say anything mean to me, it’s my life, my body, my money and most importantly MY SENIOR PICTURES SO SCREW YOU 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 #dontjudgeabookbyitscover #loveyourself #beyourself #screwrudepeople #doyou #BEKIND #spreadkindness

Thanks for the comments !!!!! 

August 4th..

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Hi! Since I’m not ashamed anymore and I’m doing this for others to be inspiredChispas and believe in theirselvesDos corazones…. Here’s the story behind this picture !

This was the summerPalmera of eighth grade year going into ninth.. I was going through a lot more than I could explain, mentally and physically…
that was my lowest weight but also at one of the lowest points in my lifeCara de sueño.. I had just moved back from living 9 years overseas and I had just changed to a new school Overthere before moving, which was the first year I hadn’t been bullied.. I was just getting adjusted there and then I had to make a drastic move to west palm beach for eighth grade, while I was just getting adjusted there , I had to then make the move back to MiamiPalmera after not living here my whole life.. Being insecure, scared, and pretty much without my parents due to job traveling, auto esteem problem amongst other things.. moving wasn’t the coolest idea on my mind🤔.. My eating disorder began again, the same as it was when I was bullied.. I’d make myself vomit or simply not eat what I was given or pretend I did and put the food back in the pots & pansCocinar I felt alone and stressed out amongst other things like family issues and just teenage changes,I let it get the best of me and turn into my worst.. The point behind this is;

Although you’re going through so many things that are extremely hard to explain and you just can’t find the words💭🗯, because it feels as if you have a knot in your throat and a knife to your neck, telling you “you’re fat, you’re skinny, you’re ugly, you’re unworthy, etc..” There’s always a way out, the way I look at it now is: •if there’s anything you need the most in bad times its hope. •if you lose your faith and hope on the way, you’ll never know what tomorrow could bring
•when you feel like giving up and ending it all, remember how far you’ve gotten and how things take 360 turns all the time
•although the pain could be strong, what God has planned for you is beyond words✝ #ED #BEDrecovery #beyoutiful #loveyourself #behealthy #Godlovesyou #youreworthy #love #kindness #bullyingstopsnow #bullying #bekind #recoveryispossible #godlovesyou #iloveyou

PROGRESS?

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here’s a little progress pic.. Then again there’s barely progress seen but I see it and that makes me happy.. So today, I went back to crossfit (the one at home) and most people were so happy for me which is so very sweet btwDos corazones and my trainer was happy I was back and most importantly I was happy I was back!! So I have Sr. Pictures🤔Birrete next week and you get to choose something you feel passionate Chispasabout (something that you like and bring the props and come dressed up that way so you can get your pictures taken📸), so in my mind I was thinking, I’m just gonna borrow something from my trainer,crossfit the related since crossfit  pretty much was my motivationPersona con las manos en alto celebrando algo🏼to start getting better and to get over my ED Manzana verdeManzana roja🍐amongst other things.. and pretty much it’s just one of the best thingsCorazón negro grueso️ that I’ve ever had in my life and it’s just something that makes me feel happy and content with myself😬..it just helps me do my best Casilla de selección con marca de verificación️even if I’m at my worstCara pensativa,and it lets me take out my feelings not with anyone but with actions that aren’t harmful  or anything like that. It’s just letting me get better for myself and not for anybody else .. so I was asking if I can borrow bar since as many know, or not too many know that I like dead lifting🏋🏽 so when I asked for this girl  in the back was like ” wow, I think you’ll look stupid if you took a bar to go take pictures and all that”.. I don’t like I didn’t know how to take it because she was like” oh when’s the last time you were here? like two months ago,right ?”but she really doesn’t know what’s going on in my life you know, my familyMujerMujerChicaHombreHombreChico has had issues and I had to go out of town Avión️for a while etc… but it doesn’t mean I stopped working out all summer and if I did, that’s not your business and I don’t know.. I kind of feel crappy ExcrementoExcrementobut then again I was like you’re not gonna tell me what to do and how to live my life, I mean if I feel proud of myselfManos aplaudiendo🏼 for the time being,that I’ve been in crossfit that’s awesome! you don’t need to interfere.. I know it could just be senior high school picturesBirrete for many.. but to me it’s more important than that because it gives me memories and motivation to keep on going, and that no matter what you’ve gone through, things can get better if you try your best and prove those who pull you down, wrong.

July 19th

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If you aren’t dying during the workout the chances of it working are probably negative 100% Bíceps flexionado🏼Gotas de sudor salpicando Guys I didn’t eat tacos and look now I have lines on my tummy (jk). See if you don’t like that I post these pictures since its soooooooo disturbing lol you can go away..I’m slowly learning to love who I am and how I look and if you can’t respect that then too bad.. If you know a little about me, you know I’ve had a hard time with weight issues and self confidence due to bullying but I’m learning to overcome it and use that criticism for the good ChispasChispasChispas lol and to whoever says this is attention seeking ?!?!?!? Being proud of myself makes me an attention seeker? Ok Welp then I’m exactly that !!!!!Thanks for all the messages and support I’ve been gettingDos corazones it means alot more than you thinkChispasCara llorando mucho #selflove #behappy #sweatingitout #loveyourself

beginning of summer

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I was kinda embarrassed to post this at first but then again it’s okay. The top fotos are from the first week I got to PVR on vacation which was the week of June 13th , the bottom pics were last week on Thursday, I know it’s not much but it’s something. I hadn’t worked out or been eating well in almost two months and it feels really good to be back doing crossfit and eating the right things although sometimes it’s not what I’m in the mood for. #crossfit #happyhealthylife #fuckyoubullying i hope this motivates somebody in order to keep on going harder at whatever you do and add an extra round, or even to convince yourself that you’re ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULChispasCorazón negro grueso

Started a health account on IG!

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So I made this page not to seek attention or anything of the sort, if you know me personally and have actually talked to me you know that I was bullied for 7 years due to my outer appearanceEsmalte de uñas🏽including my weight. It’s a drudgery to those who have heard this story before, but to those who haven’t it’ll be worth it. I’ve never been the one to share my feelings openly🗣🗯💭,no matter how sadCara de decepción, madCara haciendo pucheros or happy 🤗I’m feeling. I use to shy away of being who I was or saying what I felt because I was always being targeted onAcierto directo. Nobody in school during 8 years of my life ever got to truly know me. All they knew about me was my first and last name, that I was from Miami,FloridaPalmeraand that I had a very low self esteem🚯. I HATED going to school but never told anyone since my mom was going out of her way to pay for me to go to a “good” private institution overseas. I’m not going to go too much In detail, but I wasn’t only abused emotionally but I was abused physically at times. They use to make me fall by tripping me in front of all the other students and all I could do was run away and cry. I had no confidencePrincesa🏾 in myself and anyone who complimented me, I thought they were about to turn it around on me and make me even more self-conscious. I’m making this page to empowerBíceps flexionado🏼 other people. By this I mean, making yourself realize that you’re absolutely breathtaking Cara de gato sonriente con ojos en forma de corazónCara de gato sonriente con ojos en forma de corazónCara de gato sonriente con ojos en forma de corazónand nobody who brings you down is worth your time🕠🕥🕤🕟.After 8 years of hating myself I’m slowly learning to love all the things that are wrong with me and all the things that I might like about myself. I’ve taking that dark time of my life (where I believed self-harm and suicide was the only answer) into account for the better where I’m making myself healthier for myself and not for others. I’m going to continue spreading awareness and kindnessChispas,if you can’t come around and respect my posts then I DO NOT need you on this account. If you ever need anybody to talk to about any of this, I’m here and I’m willing to share what I went through as a light in a dark path that many people suffer in. #healthaccount